Reasons-People-Struggle-to-Leave-Unhealthy-Relationships

Reasons People Struggle to Leave Unhealthy Relationships

Ever looked back on a past relationship and wondered, “Why did I stay so long?” Sometimes, it’s only in hindsight that we realize how unhealthy a relationship was and wonder how we managed to tolerate it. This can also happen when we see loved ones staying in relationships that clearly don’t make them happy. Just like trying to see through a smudged window, it’s hard to recognize the problem until it’s wiped clean.

More often than not, it isn’t a lack of awareness that keeps people stuck in such unhealthy relationships. Deep down, they may sense the truth but ignore it due to underlying fears. If you’re finding it hard to let go of a harmful relationship, one of the following reasons might be holding you back:

Fear-of-Being-Alone-Unhealthy-Relationships

1. Fear of Being Alone

Many people fear loneliness so much that they’d rather be with someone—anyone—than be alone. Low self-worth can also make this fear stronger. But when you’re with someone who isn’t a good match, you may feel just as lonely as if you were by yourself because your emotional needs aren’t being met.

For instance: Imagine someone who has been single before and remembers feeling isolated or even judged for being alone. This fear can make being in any relationship seem better than being single. Research shows that people with low self-esteem often stay in unhealthy relationships because they believe they can’t do better (Leary, 1999).

2. Unresolved Attachment Wounds

If you had inconsistent caregivers or unmet emotional needs growing up, you might be drawn to partners who feel familiar but unhealthy. You may hold onto hope that things will improve, even though it’s harmful. This attachment style can make letting go feel like an impossible threat, especially for those with anxious attachment styles.

Example: Someone who grew up with a caregiver who was unpredictable might feel “at home” with a partner who acts the same way, even if it’s unhealthy. They may even cling to the hope that this person will finally give them the stability they missed. According to attachment theory, early relationships shape our romantic attachments, often causing people to repeat familiar but unhealthy patterns (Bowlby, 1969).

3. Invested Too Much Time and Energy

Known as the “sunk-cost fallacy,” this mindset makes you think it’s too late to quit because you’ve put in so much effort already. But this can keep you stuck, even when you know leaving is best.

Suppose someone has been in a relationship for five years and feels they’ve invested too much to just walk away. This is similar to staying at a boring movie simply because you’ve already paid for the ticket—it’s hard to admit that leaving might be the better option. This is precisely what the sunk-cost fallacy, identified by Kahneman and Tversky, describes. It shows how people hold onto things simply because they’ve already invested a lot, even if it’s unhealthy.

4. Hoping for Potential Instead of Reality

It’s easy to overlook red flags when you’re hoping a partner will change. But hoping someone will change is like trying to satisfy hunger with crumbs—it leaves you disappointed and unfulfilled.

Imagine being in a relationship where your partner rarely listens or supports you. You keep hoping they’ll change, thinking “If I just wait a bit longer, things will get better.” But in reality, hoping for a change rather than accepting reality often leads to disappointment. This is similar to the “illusion of change” effect, where people believe things will improve, even if there’s little evidence they will (Ross & Nisbett, 1991).

5. Tying Self-Worth to Relationship Status

Cultural or family pressures can lead some to attach their self-worth to being in a relationship. When your self-esteem is tied to your relationship status, you may hold onto an unhealthy relationship instead of doing what’s best for you.

For instance: Someone might feel pressure to be in a relationship because family or friends see being single as “unsuccessful.” They may even start believing that their value comes from having a partner. Studies indicate that people who tie their worth to their relationship status are more likely to stay in unhealthy relationships (Spielmann et al., 2013).

6. Loss of Identity

If your sense of self has become wrapped up in the relationship, leaving can feel daunting because you may not know who you are without it.

A person who’s been in a long relationship may have sacrificed hobbies, friends, or career goals along the way. Leaving can feel impossible because they might not remember who they are outside of that relationship. Psychologists note that when people lose their sense of self in relationships, it can lead to feelings of dependency and make breaking away more challenging (Aron et al., 1991).

Emotional-Abuse-Unhealthy-Relationships

7. Emotional Abuse

An emotionally abusive partner can cause you to question yourself and feel like you’re the problem. This manipulation can make you believe that all issues in the relationship are your fault, keeping you trapped in a cycle of self-blame.

Imagine someone whose partner regularly dismisses their feelings, saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “That never happened.” Over time, they might start doubting their own perceptions and assume they’re at fault. This behavior, called gaslighting, can make people question their reality and stay in unhealthy relationships (Sweet, 2019).

8. Overfunctioning in Relationships 

People who grow up in high-conflict homes may feel they have to “fix” or “fight for” love. This can make them assume the role of peacemaker or caretaker in their relationships. While familiar, this dynamic can make it harder to leave an unhealthy relationship, as they feel responsible for its survival.

Consider someone who grew up in a home with constant arguments. They might have learned to play the “peacemaker” to keep everyone calm, so they carry this role into their romantic relationships, feeling they need to “fix” things to make the relationship work. Research shows that people who overfunction in relationships often feel responsible for their partner’s happiness, leading to burnout (Bowen, 1976).

#9. Confusing Chemistry with Compatibility

Strong chemistry can create a powerful illusion of compatibility, leading people to overlook red flags. But chemistry alone isn’t enough for a lasting relationship, and it’s essential to separate it from genuine compatibility.

Think of someone who feels an instant “spark” with their partner and assumes it means they’re a perfect match. But as time goes on, they realize they have little in common. Studies show that intense chemistry is often mistaken for compatibility, making people overlook red flags (Eastwick & Finkel, 2008).

10. Addiction to Highs and Lows

Relationships with extreme highs and lows can feel thrilling, creating a cycle of dependency on the “highs.” When a partner runs hot and cold, it can make leaving difficult because you’re always waiting for the next “good” moment.

Example: Imagine being in a relationship where the good moments feel amazing, but the bad moments are just as intense. This roller-coaster dynamic can create a cycle where the “highs” feel so rewarding that it’s hard to let go, even though the “lows” are damaging. This is similar to the effect of “intermittent reinforcement,” where unpredictable rewards make people more attached (Skinner, 1953).

11. Believing Relationships Are Supposed to Be Hard

Relationships do require effort, but they shouldn’t come at the cost of your values or self-worth. A healthy relationship should be a source of support and security, not distress.

Someone might believe that all relationships require sacrifice and hard work, so they overlook constant stress and unhappiness as just part of the deal. But while relationships do require effort, research suggests they should ultimately be supportive and positive rather than harmful (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

How-to-Heal-and-Move-On-from-Unhealthy-Relationships

How to Heal and Move On from Unhealthy Relationships

If any of these reasons for staying in unhealthy relationships resonate with you, but you’re not ready to leave, there are still steps you can take to look after yourself and get a clearer picture of your situation:

1. Get to Know Yourself Better

Take some time to explore why you feel you need to stay. Writing down your thoughts, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking support from a therapist can help you understand your feelings and patterns better.

2. Reconnect with Who You Are

Try to remember the things you enjoy and who you are outside of this relationship. Spend time with friends, pick up hobbies you love, or set new personal goals. This can help you build confidence that doesn’t rely on your partner.

3. Create Healthy Boundaries

Even if you stay, try setting limits that protect your emotional and mental well-being. Let your partner know what you need, and make time for things that bring you peace and joy.

4. Work Through Attachment Issues

If you struggle with attachment, especially from past experiences, consider working on these with a counselor. They can help you form healthier relationship patterns and bring more peace into your current or future relationships.

5. Look Honestly at the Relationship

Take some time to think about whether this relationship aligns with what you truly want in life. You don’t have to decide anything right away, but being honest with yourself can help you see the situation more clearly.

Relationships can be complicated, and choosing to stay or leave isn’t always easy. If you’re not ready to go, focus on caring for yourself and building clarity so that, when the time comes, you’ll feel stronger and more prepared to make the choice that’s right for you.

(Note: This article is for informational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for professional advice. If you have concerns about your well-being or you’re dealing with unhealthy relationships, please consult a mental health professional.) 


References

    1. Leary, M. R. (1999). The social and psychological importance of self-esteem. Psychology Press
    2. Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
    1. Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect theory: An analysis of decision under risk. Econometrica, 47(2).
    1. Ross, L., & Nisbett, R. E. (1991). The person and the situation: Perspectives of social psychology. McGraw-Hill.
    1. Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., & Wilson, A. E. (2013). On the rebound: Focusing on someone new helps people move on. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 49(5)
    2. Aron, A., Aron, E. N., & Smollan, D. (1991). Inclusion of other in the self scale and the structure of interpersonal closeness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(4), 596-612.
    1. Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875.
    1. Bowen, M. (1976). Theory in the practice of psychotherapy. In P. J. Guerin (Ed.), Family therapy: Theory and practice (pp. 42-90). Gardner Press.
    1. Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). The attachment system in fledgling relationships: An activating role for attachment anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(3), 628-647. 
    1. Skinner, B. F. (1953). Science and human behavior. Macmillan.
    1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.