Ever felt stuck in a relationship that no longer makes you happy but couldn’t leave because of everything you’ve invested—time, energy, or even love? Psychologists call this the sunk cost fallacy—the tendency to stick with something simply because of how much you’ve already put into it.
In relationships, this trap keeps us holding on, even when things aren’t working. Maybe the thought of starting over feels overwhelming, or leaving feels like admitting failure. But staying in an unhappy relationship isn’t loyalty—it’s settling for less than you deserve.
Let’s explore how this mindset keeps us trapped and, more importantly, how to break free. Because staying isn’t the same as loving—and you deserve more than just “making it work.”
Understanding Sunk Cost Fallacy in Relationships
The sunk cost fallacy often keeps people tethered to relationships long after the joy and fulfillment are gone. Why? Because we feel obligated to stay due to everything we’ve already put into them. Let’s break it down:
1. Years Spent Together
The longer a relationship lasts, the harder it becomes to leave. People often think, “We’ve been together for so many years; I can’t just walk away now.” Research supports this notion. A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Decision Making found that individuals are more likely to persist in failing commitments when they’ve invested more time, regardless of whether those commitments serve their current or future needs.
2. Emotional Energy Invested
Relationships require emotional labor—compromises, sacrifices, and moments of vulnerability. This emotional investment can make walking away feel like a betrayal of our own efforts. According to psychologist Dr. Hal Arkes, one of the earliest proponents of sunk cost research, people are reluctant to abandon efforts they’ve worked hard on, even when those efforts no longer yield positive results. This is especially true for relationships where emotions run deep.
3. Financial Commitments
Shared assets, joint loans, or intertwined finances often add another layer of difficulty. People fear the financial repercussions of separating, seeing it as another “loss.” A 2020 study in Psychological Science revealed that individuals are more likely to continue investments in financially entangled commitments, even when those commitments create stress or dissatisfaction.
This combination of time, emotions, and finances makes the sunk cost fallacy especially powerful in relationships, keeping many people stuck in situations they no longer want. But just because you’ve invested in something doesn’t mean you should keep investing—especially when your happiness is at stake.
Signs You’re Stuck in the Trap
It’s not always easy to recognize when you’re holding onto a relationship for the wrong reasons. The sunk cost fallacy makes it harder because it tricks you into believing that leaving means losing everything you’ve invested. But staying in an unhappy relationship often does more harm than good.
Here are some clear signs that you might be stuck in this trap—and how to make sense of them.
1. You’re Unhappy but Afraid to Leave
Even though the relationship no longer fulfills you, the idea of leaving feels overwhelming. You might worry about being alone, or how you’ll adjust to a life without your partner. This fear can paralyze you, making it seem easier to stay, even when it’s not making you happy.
2. You Keep Clinging to the Past
You find yourself reminiscing about how good things used to be, using those memories as a reason to stay. You might think, “It wasn’t always like this,” or “We’ve had so many great moments together.” But focusing on the past can blind you to the reality of the present—where the relationship no longer brings the joy or connection it once did.
3. You’re Ignoring Your Own Needs
You’ve given so much to the relationship—time, effort, love—and it feels wrong to walk away. But in doing so, you’re neglecting your own happiness and personal growth. You might sacrifice your peace of mind, let go of your goals, or settle for less than what you deserve, all because you don’t want to feel like you’ve wasted your efforts.
These signs don’t mean you’ve failed or that leaving is the only solution. But recognizing them is the first step to figuring out whether you’re staying because you genuinely want to—or because you feel stuck.
Why Do We Fall for It?
Staying in an unhappy relationship often feels easier than leaving, and there are psychological reasons for that. The sunk cost fallacy traps us into thinking that all the time, effort, and emotions we’ve already invested would go to waste if we walked away. But why do we fall for this so easily?
1. Fear of Failure or Judgment
Leaving a relationship can feel like admitting defeat—not just to yourself but to others. Psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky call this loss aversion. It means we’re more afraid of losing something (like the years spent in a relationship) than excited about the possibility of gaining something better. On top of that, societal pressure plays a huge role. Thoughts like, “What will people think?” or “Will they see me as a failure?” often push us to stay, even when we’re unhappy.
2. Hoping Things Will Improve
It’s natural to believe that if we just keep trying, things will get better. Psychologist Martin Seligman’s idea of learned optimism explains why many of us hold on to hope, even when the reality doesn’t match. Maybe you think, “If we’ve made it through hard times before, we can do it again.” But this hope, while comforting, can keep you stuck in a cycle of waiting for change that never comes.
3. Emotional Attachment to the Investment
Relationships are built on time, energy, and love—and walking away from all of that feels incredibly hard. According to investment theory by psychologist Caryl Rusbult, we tend to stay in relationships not just because of how satisfied we are, but because of how much we’ve invested. Even if we’re unhappy, we tell ourselves, “I’ve already put so much into this; I can’t just leave now.” This emotional attachment to the past can cloud our judgment and make it harder to focus on what truly matters—our current happiness.
At its core, falling for the sunk cost fallacy isn’t a weakness; it’s a reflection of how much we value what we’ve built. But staying out of fear, hope, or guilt often means ignoring what we truly deserve—a fulfilling and healthy relationship. Recognizing these patterns can be the first step toward breaking free.
The Consequences of Staying
Staying in an unhappy relationship because of the sunk cost fallacy doesn’t just keep you stuck—it can have serious emotional, psychological, and even physical consequences. Here are the key ways staying in such a situation can impact your life:
1. Prolonged Emotional Stress
Staying in a strained relationship can take a serious toll on your mental health. Studies in the Journal of Marriage and Family (2015) show that unhappy relationships are linked to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. Over time, this emotional strain can contribute to disorders like major depressive disorder (MDD) and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Research by John Gottman also reveals that constant conflict or emotional neglect triggers stress responses, which, if unresolved, can harm both your mental and physical health.
2. Missing Out on Healthier Relationships
Staying in an unfulfilling relationship keeps you from exploring healthier connections. Research by Rusbult’s investment model (1980) shows that people who feel “trapped” in relationships often delay moving on due to fear of change, even when better alternatives exist. Over time, this prevents personal growth, self-discovery, and the opportunity to form new, healthier bonds—with a partner, friends, or even yourself.
3. Diminishing Self-Worth
Unhappy relationships can chip away at your sense of self-worth. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2003) found that individuals who stay in toxic or unsupportive relationships tend to experience lower self-esteem and a decreased sense of autonomy. This happens because constantly prioritizing the past over your current needs sends a message to yourself: “My happiness doesn’t matter.” Over time, this internal narrative can lead to feelings of hopelessness and increase the risk of developing depressive symptoms.
Psychological Effects of Sticking in Unhappy Relationships
Unhappy relationships and the emotional stress they bring can also act as a trigger or contributing factor for several psychological disorders, including:
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Particularly in abusive relationships, staying too long can result in long-term trauma.
- Adjustment Disorders: Struggling to cope with the mismatch between your hopes for the relationship and the reality can create emotional exhaustion and adjustment challenges.
- Somatic Symptom Disorders: Chronic stress from unhappy relationships can manifest physically, leading to headaches, fatigue, or other unexplained medical symptoms.
The cost of staying isn’t just about the relationship—it messes with your mental health, self-esteem, and future happiness. Letting go might feel like quitting, but honestly, it’s the boldest move for your well-being. Putting yourself first is the key to breaking free and finding the love and life you truly deserve.
How to Break Free
Breaking free from the sunk cost fallacy in relationships is a process, but it’s possible. Here are some steps to help you move forward:
1. Acknowledge the Trap
The first step is realizing that you might be stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. If you find yourself staying in a relationship just because of all the time, energy, or emotions you’ve already invested, take a step back and recognize it for what it is. Understanding that this is a common psychological trap can help you make more thoughtful decisions moving forward.
2. Focus on the Present and Future
Instead of dwelling on the past, ask yourself if the relationship is adding value to your life right now. Does it bring you happiness, growth, and peace? If the answer is no, it might be time to rethink your future. The past doesn’t dictate your future—what matters is where you are now and where you want to go.
3. Seek Support
It’s hard to make big decisions alone, especially when emotions are involved. Talking to trusted friends, family, or even a counselor can give you a fresh perspective. Sometimes, just hearing an outside opinion can help you see things more clearly and make decisions that are best for you.
4. Take Small Steps
You don’t have to make a life-changing decision all at once. Start by setting small boundaries and exploring your options for change. Whether it’s communicating your feelings more honestly or seeking counseling, these small steps can create space for growth and help you move toward a healthier relationship—whether with your partner or yourself.
Breaking free from the sunk cost fallacy means recognizing that your future holds more value than the past you’ve invested in. Letting go allows you to create space for growth and happiness in a relationship that truly nurtures you. It’s about choosing what serves your well-being now and in the future, instead of clinging to something that no longer fits.
Wrapping Up
It’s easy to feel like leaving an unhappy relationship is giving up, but in reality, it’s one of the most empowering choices you can make. Walking away isn’t a failure—it’s a way of honoring your needs and showing yourself the respect you deserve. Choosing to prioritize your happiness creates space for new possibilities and healthier connections. Letting go may be difficult, but it’s the first step toward a future where you can truly thrive. Remember, closing one door opens the way for better opportunities—better love, better happiness, and a better you.
References:
- Arkes, H. R., & Blumer, C. (1985). The psychology of sunk cost. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 35(1), 124–140. https://doi.org/10.1016/0749-5978(85)90049-4
- Simonson, I., & Staw, B. M. (1992). The effect of pricing and framing on consumers’ decisions to escalate or discontinue an escalation of commitment. Journal of Consumer Research, 19(4), 408-417. https://doi.org/10.1086/209311
- Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect Theory: An Analysis of Decision under Risk. Econometrica, 47(2), 263-292.
- Seligman, M. E. P. (1991). Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. New York: Knopf.
- Rusbult, C. E. (1980). Commitment and Satisfaction in Romantic Associations: A Test of the Investment Model. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 16(2), 172-186.
- Sbarra, D. A., & Ferrer, E. (2015). “The influence of relationship quality on emotional and physical health.” Journal of Marriage and Family, 77(5), 1052-1066.
- Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. New York: Simon and Schuster.
- Kelley, H. H., & Thibaut, J. W. (2003). “Interpersonal relations: A theory of interdependence.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 4(1), 140-158.
- Hammen, C. (2005). “Stress and depression.” Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 1, 293-319.